Choosing the right god?

Regulars to my page know that i cannot be classified as religious by any stretch of the imagination, i continually criticize the obvious stupidity of religion and ever day a score of angry religious loonies post comments about how their god will judge me, how i will burn in hell yadidadida, etc. So i got to thinking? the loonies all follow different faiths, they are obviously very religious, but how do they know that they have picked the right god and the right way to worship?

I mean the world is changing too fast for any of the traditional faiths to keep up. which reflects in insanities like creationism, terrorism etc.

I figured, superstitious dimwit’s must constantly doubt if they have picked the right god, so i looked around and found a great webbpage with, as they say on their page “more gods than you can shake a stick at”

I sifted through a lot of them and here are a few facts to get you started to help you pick a winner.

Virgin Birth

Remarkably, almost every god seams to originate from a virgin or impregnates one? There has been some discrepancies in the translations through the ages. Isiah, of the Christian Bible, was translated from Greek, which was translated from the original Hebrew. The word used was “almah” which simply means “young woman”. Buddha was born of the virgin, Maya. Followers also celebrate December 25 as his birthdate. To find out more, read up on the historical beginnings of your favorite god. See link below.

Other immediate similarities

All religions, from the most primitive origins to modern day, seam to have some sort of blood sacrifice to affirm a fresh start. All religions have some champion who can overcome death. The color of the god is varied. Krishna, who rose from the grave in front of a multitude, is black. Other gods appear in India, Mexico, South America, etc. Their color seams to represents the current dominant race. All religions seam to have some sort of fertility rules or sexual codes of conduct. Male dominated religions tend to blame women for all the problems in the world. Female dominated religions as far as i can see tend to celebrate life rather than waiting for good things to happen when you die? Like Islam and Christianity

All religions makes hilarious attempt to explain man’s origins, without benefit of any modern scientific understanding. Assyrian and Sumerian tablets, dating back to 2000 B.C., portray a story of the fall of man because he wished immortality. The villains are snakes or dragons but the blame is placed equally on both Adam and Eve. There seams to be similar myths in Africa, from far earlier cultures.

The Flood Myth

This seams to be a common thread but i am wondering about a few things, like all the religious myths it makes no sence?

The water required for a World Wide Flood – In order to cover all the mountains in the world, the sea level would have to rise approximately 30,000 feet or 10,000 meters. This would take 4 trillion cubic meters of water – more water than exists in our entire solar system????? Where would this water come from? Definitely not the clouds! During an ordinary downpour, rain falls at a rate of 3 inches per hour. To accommodate the biblical flood, it would have to fall at the impossible rate of 375 inches per hour. The Size of Noah’s Ark – There is not enough volume in the ark, using the biblical measurements, to hold two of every species. The weight of the insects alone would be more than the weight of the boat. Also, the Noah story was obviously made up before people knew the dangers of inbreeding.

Anyway i digress maybe a good idea to exclude religions with impossible myths like the flood myths?

Other contenders could be.

Ishtar – gained much popularity by not blaming women or snakes for the world’s problems.

Church Of Christ Scientist – lost some young members when their god failed to show up and cure them of sugar diabetes.

Muslim Koran – “God directs you as regards to your children. The male shall receive a portion equal to that of two females.” This god will probably lose the support of 50% of his followers.

Catholic God – has lost a lot of popularity among feminists, ecologists and young alter boys.

Jehovah’s Witnesses – keep waiting for their god to destroy the earth…and keep on being disappointed.

Living Truth Ministries – believe that the organization of Alcoholics Anonymous is one of Satan’s tools. Also blame Cher, Jimmy Carter, George Lucas, Tina Turner, Michael Crichton, the Rockefellers, Sharon Gless, Linda Evans and numerous other celebrities for being in a wicked plot to destroy the souls of children. Their god has probably lost the support of these people.

Mormon God – not too popular with minorities since color is considered to be a “Mark Of Cain” and thus excludes these people from gaining any profitable church positions.

Church Of The Lord Jesus Christ – Keep insisting that god wants them to annoy rattlesnakes. Keep losing members.

Jews For Jesus – perhaps a little schizophrenic?

Zoroastrian God – Ahura Mazda, who in a fit of omnipotence created his own arch-enemy, Ahriman. How mysterious are the ways…

If you have a god that you feel should be listed on this tip sheet to help the punters, then please forward some suggestions.

Anyway please visit God Checker to learn more and to help you select your favorite god. Its a good laugh i laughed so hard my stomach hurt, its hilarious.

Next: Me VS God! please place your bets.


23 Responses to Choosing the right god?

  1. Muzolf says:

    Hahaha, you guys are hilarious. 🙂 I know this debate is more as one year old but daamn. I had a god laugh today. 😀

  2. Anyway, you aren’t making any meaningful contributions to this debate, or any other for that matter.

    like all my attempts to engage you in dialogs you just try to ignore the issue. Its been fun pissing you off but i am growing bored of your nonsense everything you post is meaningless.

    Hahaha! Your chosen name suits you quite well.

    Please don’t mistake being amused with being pissed off. I’m not pissed off at all; amused, yes. Pissed off, no.

  3. cunnilingus is just one of many sexual acts almost unheard of in Muslim countries, you guys are missing a lot.

    it mush be sad going through life never getting your dick sucked??

    What make belief facts are you talking about? i am just making my starting point in the sexually repressive regulations of the koran?

    Anyway, you aren’t making any meaningful contributions to this debate, or any other for that matter.

    like all my attempts to engage you in dialogs you just try to ignore the issue. Its been fun pissing you off but i am growing bored of your nonsense everything you post is meaningless.

    i dont see any reason ot continue our chatt.

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